Sunday, April 27, 2014

7/2/10 Thoughts Before Sleep

Falling asleep quickly seems hard to come by lately.  Unless you stay up way past the time that’s remotely good for you so that you’re practically sleeping before you actually lay down.   Last night neither Brad or I slept well, me for one getting less than 4 hours.   The litany in my head goes something like this...

I can’t believe I looked at the clock again tonight at 11:26 (the time Anna was born)      What is that about?!    The night she died  The excitement and anticipation Mom and Dad must have had when they got the call we were going in for a C-section, thinking that they would see and hold their granddaughter not long after arriving at the hospital    They got on their Grandma/Grandpa’s Girls T-shirts I can just see their faces and the smiles and anxious can’t-get-there-fast-enough-Woo-Hoo!!  Those T-shirts were thrown on the floor in a sad sad little pile when they got home at 4 AM that morning Where are they now? Those T-shirts that were such a triumph and joy to buy now just a horrible reminder of what isn’t any longer     Now what?   Now what with all that stuff, the picture albums that say ‘Grandkids’, etc     There will be more grandchildren, my brothers', maybe yet an adopted child of ours but oh that seems far away and so overwhelming What are we going to do about that   We need to get our letter to friends and family written to spread the word that we’re looking but we need to get a simple web page up and ready first so that any interested birthparents could look at it      That’s going to take time and it has to be great and we HAVE to focus on it but there’s so much else going on   Brad’s Dad takes so much time and energy right now, Brad doesn’t have it to give so it’s gotta be me  How do I help Brad? I can take on the letter piece,  what else can I do? I can do some research for assistance for his Dad but we don’t yet know what he’s going to need for sure so want to be prepared yet not waste a ton of time  What else can I do to support him? Get some nutritious meals together I have no desire or energy to do that myself  But I should because that’s how I can help and it would be good for both us       Brad gets so stressed about this Why is that?  How can I help him and his dad through this transition of life?  Crap crap crap    If only Anna were here to give a spark of joy and something wonderful to come home to    I know that would have it’s own set of stress but that’s one we’d welcome  That brown brown hair   What would she look like now?  What would she be doing?  Would she be happy and easy or colicky and driving us crazy? What clothes would she be wearing?  That sweet dainty little denim-overall outfit with the scalloped white top or would she be in 9 month old clothes ‘cause she’s an elephant?  What I wouldn’t give to see her smile and giggle  I can’t do this I have to sleep I can’t cry I have to be up to go to the hospital with Brad in 6 hours and the animals will get me up to eat in 4, think of something else   Brad’s Dad Something happy  A baby in our house a year from now How do we do that    Gotta do the letter gotta get the web page.....

....and on and on and on

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