Seems this site should read “Julie’s Rants”, not “The Stensrud Family” for as much attention as the other member of this family gets. Brad has commented that maybe he should write something too, but apparently hasn’t felt called to do so yet. I wish I could say I write on behalf of both of us, but that would not be true. Our experiences with this are different. Maybe vastly different. Hard to know, as it feels to me he spends the majority of his efforts holding me up and holding it together to focus on finding employment. Who knows how much suffering is held in his psyche and in his body...I worry that maybe even he doesn’t know. That maybe it will come out days, months, years from now. (And what is it doing to him in the meantime?) Maybe when Anna would have reached an age that matches his anticipated experiences with her (toddler and older). But he hurts, this I know. I’ve seen him cry only once before, at his mother’s funeral in 1996. Now....so many times since Anna died. When he goes there it is so deep... I fear he’s so worried about me that he is sacrificing himself - the depth of his own mourning, his own loss. I know I need to trust that he’s doing what he needs to do for himself, but I worry all the same.
Brad’s Dad is having a procedure tomorrow to determine whether he has pancreatic cancer. Obviously, this would be devastating to all who love him, and...how much loss can Brad take before he truly breaks? If prayer does work, we could use some more for his dad’s health. (How many prayers do you get to ask for before your allotment is complete?!)
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