A year ago today this little boy died in the arms of his daycare provider after a bottle. One second he was there, the next he wasn’t. She felt him go limp and that was it. What IS that?! I mean, we know it’s SIDS, but what IS that?! So horrible. You’ve heard about this couple alot lately. They keep coming up because I relate to them so much, I enjoy them as people, and I know how important it is to Brad and I that people don’t forget Anna. I think if I help to remember Jace, somehow it’ll come back to me with people remembering Anna.
Today, on my 4th day of work, I had my first little breakdown and had to leave the room for 10 or so minutes. A little boy brought over a book I didn’t even know we had in the room and proceeded to read it to me, talk about it, ask questions about it, etc. Lo and behold it was the Good Night book Brad read at the memorial and that we had cremated with her. I was anxious immediately, but held on for about 2 minutes before tears started to stream. The little boy was unfazed of course. Autism will do that. Still, I hung in there ‘til he went on to something else and then made my exit.
Yesterday I met with my principal again to discuss next year. Recently I’ve been realizing that I’m not likely to be ready to return to work full-force by September either. Pretend we’re measuring function and psychological health in length. Before December 14 I was X, then fell to Y after she died. Let’s say the distance between X and Y is 3 feet. After 5 1/2 months, I’ve gained 9-10 inches. Maybe even a full foot, on a good day. What makes me think that 3 months from now I’ll be back to the 2 1/2 feet it would require to work effectively? I’m starting to think it’s going to take at least a full year from now to get back. Maybe. Always maybe.