A year ago yesterday Anna’s life began. (Yes, we know down to the hour. It’s a great, if not personal, little story.) For the next nine months, it will be “...a year ago now we were...seeing her for the first time on ultrasound (the above picture), getting ice cream/a burger/Famous Dave’s for my cravings, feeling her move for the first time, going on our last big trip a few months before her arrival, painting her room, feeling her hiccup, seeing my belly bounce about as she kicked, buying her first outfit, having the couple’s shower, etc etc etc.” I’ve even had what I believe to be cellular memory in feeling morning sickness again for a few hours yesterday, enhanced by the fact it’s been warm and the smell of our leather couches emanates again. I couldn’t stand that smell last summer. Cruel is a word overused in our situation, but still so appropriate.
Brad’s Dad does NOT have cancer, thank you all for the prayers. He’s had some complications from the procedure that have had him hospitalized since Wednesday night, but we all believe he’ll be fine. Still, Brad has been ultra-stressed. We were there when the complications began and it was very frightening to see his father in the condition he was when we called the ambulance. The whole deal has caused Brad to take on all the What Ifs of an aging parent. Most pressing, what if his Dad cannot maintain his current quality of life? (Even if not now, What If it’s coming?) Sadness, depression, frustration, need of assistance, looking at moving out of the home he raised his family in, etc etc etc. Brad seems to take on responsibility for his Dad’s happiness and comfort, even when he knows logically he cannot change what is. It’s a losing mental battle. Brad has spent more time in bed than I’ve ever witnessed before. Today he didn’t emerge until 8:40 PM, and still went to back to bed before 11:00. It seems as if any emotional reserves he had after Anna’s death flipped right over in facing his father’s mortality and vulnerability. I suspect he’s going to need several days to replenish them.