Sunday, April 27, 2014

11/14/10 Frustration

To catch many of you up, it looks like we’re letting go of Korea.   We’ve moved onto another local agency that does primarily domestic infant adoptions, as opposed to the first that does primarily international adoptions.  Having Anna changed things, and we again desire so much to have an infant.   Korea would be a 14 month old child at the very best, a 3 year old a possibility.   It would be great to be able to pursue Korea at the same time we move within domestic adoption, but the first agency will not allow it.  So we have to choose.   GOD that people do not understand how lucky they are to just ‘have a kid’.   And the people who say “You can always adopt”....they have no idea what they’re talking about.   You don’t just show up, fill out some forms, wait a few months, bring your baby home.   Good lord.
You can sense my building frustration with this whole thing, this whole quest for family.   I just don’t get it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!   I’m mad we’re still having to work for it.  I’m mad we just don’t have Anna here.  I’m mad we’re not looking to child #2, but still begging for child #1.  I’m mad the holidays are coming and I can’t stop them.   I’m mad that we’re still so sad.  I’m mad that everything is taking so long in getting ‘official’ with another agency.  I’m mad the Adoption Website isn’t yet up and running and out to everyone we know so that it can go to everyone they know and so on so it can be working for us.   I’m mad that it feels like we’re in the very same spot we’ve been in for nearly 5 years.   Wanting, hoping, waiting, scared.   Swear to God, if I could magically wipe away the holidays, that would be a no-brainer.   If I could somehow put the calendar on hold until I’m ready to deal with December.  If I knew what to do to commemorate her birthday.   I’m desperate to honor her, desperate for people to remember her with us, and yet the very thought of organizing something to do so paralyzes me.   I need it to wait until I’m ready.   How do I do that???  

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