I’ve come to this several times in the last few days, touched my hands to the keyboard and either given up or started to cry. My parents asked if my reduced number of entries meant I didn’t feel I needed this outlet as much. I said it’s a combination of having been away and becoming busier, but mostly that I’ve been at a loss of what to write. I feel overwhelmed in general by what 2 or 3 days of just living brings. You can only say that you’re sad, you’ll never be the same person and aren’t sure who you’ll be, how you’ll be, or how you’re living one day to the next in so many ways so many times. It seems people have been asking alot of questions lately that I have a hard time answering - how are you, how was Italy, how’s Brad, what helps, what’s going on with Brad’s job.... Typical questions, too big to answer.
The only things I know have come down to these: I love my husband, he loves me and we live each day for each other; My family and friends are worried, supportive and an absolutely vital part of living through this - of living in general; I have two healing professionals on my team that are committed to seeing me to the other side, whatever that is; We cannot live off savings forever, but I wish we could because I’m afraid of what changes might lie ahead with regards to work for Brad; I am broken, like a mechanical toy that looks okay while propped on the shelf but just keeps flopping over when you wind it up, struggling to move forward but instead just making scratches on your floor.
The rest of it is a crapshoot. There are so many unknowns for us right now it’s the very definition of ridiculous. Which, but the way, is “causing or worthy of ridicule or derision; absurd; preposterous; laughable.” Except our situation is anything but laughable. ‘Ridiculous’ may be more the term I’d use for God. Ridiculous that any of us think we’ve got his number. Preposterous that this is the life he wants us to live.
(That was meant to be dead serious, but I just got done watching Betty White’s hosting of Saturday Night Live on Hulu [trying to bring ‘funny’ into my life as much as possible], and suddenly all I can thing of is Seth and Amy’s weekend update skit “Really?!?”. “Really, you give them such hearts to be parents but you deny them over and over? You wave babies in front of them and snatch them away before they can see, touch, hold, smell, know them - really?! Really, you give children to teenagers and drug addicts, child abusers and child molesters, 10 children to a single mom and 19 children to one family, and you deny them just one?!? Really?! You give mature, financially stable, eager parents children just to take them away in a whisper months later? Really?! Really, you want your children to know this kind of pain? No true parent wants their child to know that. REALLY!!!!”)
That last example was for parents of SIDS babies, fyi. We know one couple who lost their son literally in a whisper of a moment, and it is as horrible to me as losing Anna. Who runs this joint, anyway??????? Where in the hell can we complain to management and get a response? Who do we sue? The utter helplessness is the salt in the wound, I swear. No matter what our culture drills into us about achieving whatever we want if we just work hard enough, there isn’t enough work, enough yelling, enough tears, enough of anything to bring our children back.