4/27/12 Tidbits

1. 1) I finished Anna’s birth story within this website last weekend.  It’s only taken 2 years and nearly 5 months to get it in black and white.   Given how much I wanted to document every part of that night, those first days and weeks...it’s stunning to me how powerful is the psyche that has stopped me from going there all this time.   
2. 2)At my last perinatal appointment we started the now weekly biophysical and non-stress tests (NST).  The biophysical entails an ultrasound where, in 30 minutes or less, the baby needs to demonstrate  three movements, demonstrate tone three times (like flexing muscles), and practice breathing twice for thirty seconds each time.  Amniotic fluid level is also checked, which of course has been a sticking point for me this whole pregnancy, given that lack of amniotic fluid is what ultimately led to Anna’s demise.  Each of those four elements contribute 2 points to the overall score, with the NST also being worth two points.  So a perfect score is 10.   We got an 8 in the biophysical, but I think we failed the NST (where they want to see acceleration of heart rate by 15 beats twice in 15 minutes).  They didn’t come right out and say she failed, but that 29 weeks early for babies to do this routinely and getting a baseline is the important thing at this point (easy for them to say.  I just want it to all be perfect).   ANYWAY, the point of writing this event was the comment made by the ultrasound tech.   She said my fluid level was 13.5.  When I asked about variability in measurements, since it was 16 last week, she said it can vary based upon the babies position but that 13.5 was just great, but a measurement such as 2 is critical.  I explained (for the second time, as she’d done our 20 week u/s too but I’m sure she doesn’t remember) that amniotic fluid was high on my radar as that was the problem with my first child - in fact, a measurement of 2 the day we went to be induced.  She asked, “How far along were you when it got low?”   “A day shy of 39 weeks,” I replied.  “Oh, well that’s good, that was nearly full term then.”   HONESTLY.   Can they not put a note on my chart that says my first baby DIED?!?  Because her tone indicated she thinks we have a child at home and while I’m being monitored for safety, that maybe this is overkill.   Drives me crazy.  I don’t want to have to explain to the people caring for me and this baby WHY I’m paranoid and why we need close monitoring.  It’s my medical history.  KNOW it if you’re a medical person who’s going to work with me!!   (I know this is not unique to me - one of by blogging friends just this week had more-or-less the same thing occur, and the couple who just had their baby had to explain to the maternity staff that their first child died - labor and delivery staff were all up on it, but maternity staff oblivious.  It’s TOUGH answering questions about the child at home when there ISN’T ONE.)
3. 3)I find I like to look at pictures of Emily more often than of Anna.  Anna’s fill me anxiety, sorrow, fear, mourning, urgency, hollowness, achiness.   Emily’s I look at with some anger but mostly with a sweetness.  Brad’s face as he held her after successfully changing her diaper and clothes, my parents faces, her different expressions.  We are happier in the pictures with Emily.  We have more pictures of her (about 400 more, to be exact).  But I feel guilty when I look at hers and not Anna’s.  
4. 4)I’ve gained 25 pounds already!  Same amount I’d gained during my whole pregnancy with Anna.  Could be tougher shedding the weight this time ‘round.  Just sayin’.
5. 5)I haven’t taken a single picture of my belly this pregnancy - I marvel a bit at the other BLMs that have.  It’s a show of confidence, optimism, claiming and honoring this baby, of normalcy.  I’m warming to the idea as I warm to the idea it might work out this time, and that this little one will want to see herself in that way.  To know she was anticipated (somethingnormal for her in a pregnancy that has felt anything but normal.  Poor thing.)
6. 6)I want to take a photography class so I can take gorgeous pictures of this baby.   Brad and I bought a nice camera before Anna was born specifically for that purpose.  As much as I’ve been avoiding preparation, I’d better get a move-on for that one!
7. 7)No.  No names yet.  Warming up to claiming that arena too though.