Sunday, May 11, 2014

1/11/13 Better, squared

I know, it’s been forever.  Same old story - I think of things I’d like to write here at least every couple of days, but if there’s an evening I would have a chance after dishes and straightening and all the responsibilities, all I want to do is NOT use my brain.  Is it because I’m 44, a new-ish mom, or both? is what it is, as the overused phrase goes.
Cate is napping now, for two more minutes, for thirty, hard to say.  So I’m pressed to convey what I really want to - quickly.  Which is...this girl makes everything else better, richer, deeper, brighter.  Going to work is rather exciting and frought a little bit with anxiety being away from her all day, my impetus to get out on time suddenly turned On, my entire mood upon leaving work dramatically altered from what it used to be.  What used to be a certain amount of drudgery, heaving myself one place to the next and sort of an overall bleakness, is now brilliant anticipation to get home to see her.  Hold her.   Glory in her.   Her squeals, smiles, uncoordinated jumping, wondering if Dad ever changed her out of her jammies and did she poop today?   A few months ago I went to a movie with a friend while Daddy stayed home with her, and was struck by how even this felt so much different, knowing I had a baby to go home to.
I know of one woman who has traveled a very similar path to ours, and she has not yet had success in bringing a child home.  I wish I could tell her that life can still be good and rich without a child.  I know it can, for some.  But I think there are others of us who truly have children as our heart’s very desire, and nothing else comes close to filling us the same way.   Maybe it’s because I appreciate her so very much.  But if anyone’s asking, I’ll say it’s because I was built to be a Mommy.  Going through life without it would have been like being a bowl without fruit.  Intact, functional, maybe even pretty, but essentially useless and taking up space.   Or maybe it’s the other analogy, the Wizard of Oz one where now life is in technicolor.  
Either way, I love it.

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