Sunday, May 11, 2014

3/22/12 Is This Your First?

On my way to Arizona, to my old stomping grounds of Tucson.  My favorite-est thing is to get into the mountains and hike/walk/sit/Be, but much of that is up in the air, pending how much activity I feel comfortable with.  It’s no secret I’ve laid super-low this pregnancy for fear of straining something or moving in such a way that her head scrunches against the cord against the pelvic bone again...normal levels of amniotic fluid be damned.  Can’t convince me its all well and good in there for more than the minute we’re looking at her onscreen at the Dr’s office.  Anyway, regardless of how time is spent, it’ll be sunny which will be welcome.
We’re definitely now in the stage where there’s no mistaking I’m pregnant.  Comments from strangers as well as co-workers are increasing.  Just this flight I was asked if this was my first child, two days ago I was asked as well.  I’ve been reading how other BLMs (baby loss mom’s) pregnant with their “rainbow babies” have handled this kind of interaction.  (Rainbow babies being the first children had after a loss.  I’m learning a whole new paradigm of acronyms and terminology - the kind I wish I was still naive to, but grateful for as well.   This stuff is real, it happens to alot of people, and I know there’s a whole gob of painful paradigms whose acronyms and terminology I’m blessed enough NOT to be familiar with.  Cancer, ALS, leukemia, war, you name it.  I hope not to have the kind of up-close-and-personal education in other areas that I’ve had in losing Anna, but I hope losing her has made me more aware of people living in one of those worlds, more open to learning about their “everyday”, and more compassionate to them.)   
Back to answering questions about our pregnancies, most of us respond according to how we’re feeling in the moment, the situation at hand, and how we feel the other person would likely respond - and if we care about their discomfort - should we decide to say our first child died.  Interestingly the last two inquisitors fairly glossed over it, as opposed to others who stop short a moment and offer as genuine a condolence as one stranger can to another in an otherwise breezy encounter.  This ‘glossing over’ I’m not too fond of, turns out.   Picques me, makes me want to pull out pictures of Anna and shove them in their face - “See?  She was real.  See?  She’s no distant memory.  Focusing on our living baby doesn’t remotely erase the impact THIS baby continues to have.  Get it, lady??”  Grrr.  Not my best side.
Meanwhile our dog Ruby has taken to pooping in the house the last two days.  While we’re home.  No indication of needing to go out.  Where is our old girl headed??   She definitely acts older in her movements and how soundly she sleeps, but this newer behavior, hard to know what it means, if anything.   We lost our cat 3 days before Anna died.  Not only do we not want to lose Ruby, but especially not in the time frame of this pregnancy or birth.  Anything that’s similar to our pregnancy with Anna feels like a harbinger of Bad.   So let’s put out good thoughts and wishes of health for our sweet Rubester. 

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