Thursday, June 29, 2017

Let The Games Begin

Not quite 2 weeks after the PSA that came back elevated, a second reveals it has risen 0.03 already.  Now .25.  Quick for prostate cancer.   Pelvic MRI tomorrow, consult with radiation oncologist next week.  Meeting with urologist after results of MRI are in.  Dr. Knoedler, the urologist, is well-reputed and has a relationship with Brad's brother (prior to Brad becoming a patient) and to Brad himself outside of this.  So Brad feels good about the doc not thinking of him as 'just another patient'.   But honestly, I know my young patients at the hospital stick with me,  I'm pretty sure Brad's situation would stick with Dr. Knoedler regardless.

We had gotten to a pretty good place the last several days.  Matter of fact, feeling like we can handle radiation, staying present with all the goings on here (my parents visit, Cate's birthday).  But this conversation rattled us both.  Words like "aggressive, concerned" and "50/50 chance".  We were told there was a 50/50 chance the cancer would return in 10 years after radical prostectomy.   It's been 2 1/2.  Now we're being told there's a 50/50 chance radiation will kill it.   I'm sorry, but WTH?!  I would have thought radiation would have a greater return, you know?

I had written a slew of fearful thoughts here, along with a few other negative-ish comments throughout, and this morning am editing and deleting them, while still trying to stay true to the situation.  My beloved friend, a ridiculously wise and powerful Type I diabetic who has undergone 3 organ transplants, multiple heart surgeries, lymphoma, a myriad of other issues and oh, is also completely blind, strongly encouraged me not to write down the specifics of my fears.  Writing them down, having others read them and react in kind, all that only draws energy to what we don't want.  Stirs up the universe's creative energy in the wrong direction, you know?

We will always think of this in association with Cate's 5th birthday, no matter the road from here.   Certain events creating the Before-s and Afters of our lives.  Before Anna, After Anna.  Before living children, After.  Before....After.   I've been through enough of life to know it never stays the same, there are unforeseen surprises and scenes you dare hope for that come true...and ones you pray never do.   My mother's response to Brad's news was to say something along the lines of "How much crap can happen to one family?"   But my answer was "But so much good has happened too.   Cate, Matt.  Our home, Brad's job, everything about the last 5 years.  This is Life.  The good with the bad."

I believe radiation therapy will give us time.  I'm going to hold the vision of a very, long, time.

Please join me in that vision!


  1. Oh sweetie, this bad news f'ing sucks! I'm sorry it's shitty and I'm sorry for the stress. But, your babies and your incredible strength and your love for each other will overcome yet another challenge. You are in one of the best medical cities in the US. Whatever therapy is recommended will be the best. You have family and friend support near and far. You can do this!

  2. I'm cautiously optimistic in the time this will get you, hoping it's a long, long time. My dad had prostste cancer and his doctor said at some point he believes most males will get it. That it's not a matter of IF, rather WHEN, and that for most people it's something very Treatable. And that in his experience prostate cancer is something you die WITH not OF.

    I hesitite to write that in the fear it's acknowledging the biggest fear of all, but I found it reassuring when my dad was undergoing treatment.

    As always, sending love, love, love to your beautiful family as you weather the ups and downs of this brutiful life.